Ryan and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Morning

Last night I couldn’t sleep because I was worried about the all the work I had to do this week and then at 3:33 AM I rolled over and my daughter was in my bed looking at me rubbing her bunny’s ears and I woke up ten minutes before my alarm went off and my feet were freezing and my eyes wouldn’t open properly and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad morning.

I took a sip of coffee and immediately had to go take a dump and I hate taking a dump at 4:30 in the morning and the toilet seat was freezing and my wife bought generic toilet paper that rips my ass to pieces.

I think I’ll move to Australia.

When I got out of the shower I didn’t have any underwear or work socks in my dresser or in the clean clothes basket on the floor of the closet so I had to wear dirty socks from yesterday and the dry cleaners starched my shirts so bad that it was like trying to put on a piece of sheet metal and I have a zit on my lip that has roots that go to my brain and I took a sip of coffee right after I brushed my teeth and it tasted like goat ass. I said I was having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad morning but no one listened to me because it was 35 degrees outside and they were all sound asleep in their warm beds with lots of blankets and pillows and bunnies and bears.

I was so tired I couldn’t even make oatmeal for breakfast so I drove to the McDonalds at the front of my neighborhood but all their lights were turned off and they said they were closed.

I bet McDonald’s in Australia are never closed.

I drove to another McDonalds but an 18 wheeler was blocking the drive-thru entrance and I screamed so many loud swear words my head started throbbing. I drove to the window and the McDonald’s lady was sassy and didn’t give me napkins and it started raining as soon as my window was down to pay and I’m sure that they licked my biscuit and dropped my hash browns in their filthy McToilet and then cooked them.

On my drive to work it rained but not real rain, just the constant drizzly rain that makes it just hard enough to see but not enough to keep your wipers on and I hate driving an hour to work and I forgot to make a lunch for today and I hate everything and the instant I walked into work some lady asked me to open some dumbass email about puppies that she couldn’t open and it has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad morning.

My wife says some mornings are like that.

Even in Australia.