Giant Kamork

My sister once mentioned that it would be pretty terrifying if her monkeyfriend, Kamork, was about six feet tall. She had a dream where she had answered the door and there was Giant Kamork, six foot and furry brown with a bright orange bow tie. Even though it was a scary dream, we had a good laugh about it at the time and went on with our lives. It was a dream, right? Dreams aren't supposed to be real. The police made this abundantly clear the last time I was discovered "impersonating" Richard Simmons. Restraining order or not, I know that the short curly haired man in "Sweatin' to the Oldies" is not the real Richard Simmons, I am! So I was not entirely surprised when I discovered that Giant Kamork, or GK, was not just a dream.

GK spends the majority of his time as an assassin. He has never been hired in an official capacity, he just likes to kill people. You might be saying, "Hey Ryan, that doesn't really make him an assassin!" OK, whatever. Po-tay-to, Po-tah-to.
What GK really enjoys doing is hiding under your bed or car, standing behind bedroom doors, standing in that small space between your refrigerator and wall, hoping to jump out and terrify you. He hangs around the law firm where my sister works and shamelessly begs to be made partner. He was an expert witness in "Bright Eyes vs. Dr. Zaius" and delivered powerful testimony in the seminal case "B.J. vs The Bear." The law firm is reluctant though, as it took GK six tries to pass the monkeyfriend bar exam and his law degree from Kamorkistan State is constantly being scrutinized. Despite these professional setbacks, GK did manage to make it to my mother's elementary school and spoke to the students during career day. Although assassin is way down the list of kids future career choices, my mom said that GK was a big hit. Despite his imposing frame and scary voice, those kids couldn't get enough hugs from Giant Kamork!

Here is an excerpt from GK's interview with Modern Bride magazine:

MB: Your fur is just beautiful! What kind of conditioner do you use?
GK: You know, whatever's on sale.
MB: It really makes your eyes sparkle.
GK: I'll sparkle your face with my sharp monkey claws!
MB: Um...Who is your favorite dress designer?
GK: Oh I just love Vera Wang, I mean, her gowns say to me "I'm delicate but modern!"
MB: Who designed your bow tie? It's fabulous!
GK: Actually it's part of the Ralph Lauren line "Elegant K." I find it droll but you know Ralph!
MB: OK, I've asked you the questions. Can I have my kitten back?
GK: Oh, you're no fun.