The South Texas Death Machine

When I lived in Katy and did Young Life, our office was next to Taylor High School. Each day after school a herd of wild boys would burst into the office, hooting and hollering and discussing the tomfoolery of days past. One sunny fall afternoon an unkempt boy of seventeen shouted out above the din that the Death Machine had killed again. The office grew silent and fear was visible on every face. I asked who this "Death Machine" was as every pair of eyes looked down towards the carpet. The unkempt boy shot up from his seat on the sofa, chugged the rest of his Mountain Dew Code Red, and blasted a trumpet-like belch, announcing the beginning of a teenage tale of wonder.

The Death Machine was a man of course, but no ordinary man. Not a superhero, but a hero nonetheless; a beacon of truth and justice to school administrators worldwide. Although it may seem unthinkable to you and me, there are many who wish to do their school harm. A principal's worst fear is that someone will remain inside after hours and commit unspeakable acts of vandalism. Who could ever learn of such plans? Who is the one person who has the pulse of the High School? The janitor! This is the guise of the Death Machine. Working by day as the janitor, he watches and listens. When a scheme is discovered he retreats to his broom closet and waits for the sound of doors being chained.

What does the South Texas Death Machine look like? His description has been pieced together from incoherent ramblings of the victims who have escaped death, trapped forever in their own insanity. The legends say he wears nothing but a set of red long underwear, the kind with an escape hatch on the behind. Tattooed across his chest is "South Texas Death Machine" which was applied with a red hot safety pin and a Sharpie. To move quickly throughout the halls he wears brown roller skates. Atop his head is an enormous afro, and in his hands he carries a six foot battle axe. Should you be in the school after hours, the STDM will kill you. Or tickle you. Which for some people is worse than death.

The Death Machine can only see in two colors, Blood Red and Pizza. Should you find yourself sprinting down a linoleum hallway with the clack clack of roller skates getting closer and closer, this knowledge might save you. If it does, the Death Machine shakes your hand and you get a 50% off coupon to Subway. You don't chase down many sophomores with a belly full of fried foods.



STDM Likes:
The way freshmen cry and beg for mercy
Shampoo and conditioner in the same bottle
John Grisham Books
Fresh pineapple
That part in Titanic when the boat sinks

STDM Dislikes:
Feud between East & West Coast Rappers
VH1 reality shows
That cafeteria lady who throws her orange peel on the floor
Spring Break
The Milwaukee Brewers