Nielsen Diary

Television. It's the greatest thing ever. Going outside? Overrated. Traveling to new places? Booooooring! Participating in activities? Meh. We all know deep in our hearts that TV is what we really want. TV teaches us to laugh, cry, and most importantly, which celebrities should be mocked.

In case you didn't know, what we watch on television is highly dependent on ratings. The highest rated shows stay on the air and the lowest rated shows suffer the fate of Perfect Strangers and Alf. Who determines these ratings? For years it was rumored to be the inhabitants of the lost city of Atlantis. A typographical error revealed that it was just the citizens of Atlanta, which should have been perfectly obvious after "227" spent three straight years at the top. Once Atlanta was dismissed, the business of TV ratings fell to Nielsen Media Research. Now magical boxes are attached to select televisions and monitor what folks watch. Imagine being able to influence what is on TV! No more making toast with celebrities! No more sitcoms about a wacky dysfunctional dad and his cool street-smart kids! No more Tim Allen!

How does one get selected for this great honor? In addition to media research, Nielsen just happens to be the company that administers small pox vaccines. Possessing a copy of every person's DNA enables them to run a highly selective test. After mixing my DNA in a cathode ray tube with Hawaiian Punch a match was made! What are they looking for? Extreme snobbery, no shortage of strong opinions, and a firm belief that only what you think is right. They told me they had never seen a match that fulfilled all of these requirements so completely.

A few weeks later the test diary arrived in the mail. I was to record all the programs we viewed during the week and then mail it back when we were done. Mojo and I sat down on the sofa and began to make a difference. We watched NFL Football, Sportscenter, NFL Primetime, James Bond-athon, My Name is Earl, The Office, The Simpsons, Lost, and many others. Confident we had helped make the TV world a better place, we popped our diary into the mail and waited to see if we would be selected.

Days turned into weeks, weeks into months. Confident that there had been some kind of mistake I called Nielsen and demanded to know why my permanent ratings box had not yet been delivered. They had the audacity to inform me that my diary contained a meticulous tracking of the worst shows they had ever seen in the history of TV ratings! Oh the humanity! They assured me that Shoulders J. Monkeypants would never have a ratings box in his home. What's this? Shoulders? The mystery had been solved! Once more I had been done in by the smallest and craftiest of all the monkeyfriends! Rage rushed through me as if I had just drank a gallon of contaminated water in a Mexican hotel! Oh sure, I've looked the other way in the past, but this time Shoulders and I would sit down and have a long talk.



Shoulders heard what I had to say but countered with this:



It was hard to disagree with his main point and I concluded that the next time Shoulders asks for a machine gun for Christmas I should probably just get him a gift card to the Gap.

Three Cheers for Tucker!

My sister (Teague) is married to Tucker. Tucker is currently serving his second tour of duty in Iraq which is stinky for two reasons. One, he's in Iraq. In case you have been trapped under a log in the woods for many years, keeping yourself alive by eating bark and moss and juicy succulent grubworms, you should know that Iraq is not a good place for army men to live or visit. Second, Tucker and Teague were just married in June. So boo on that. But wait! This post is about three cheers, not two boos!

Cheer number one: Tucker is out protecting our freedom! Hooray!
Cheer number two: Tucker is married to my sister! Hooray!
Cheer number three: Tucker is a friend of monkeys! Hip Hip Hooray! (He even had his own tail removed to make Kamork feel more comfortable about his own lack of a tail. What a guy!)

So remember Tucker in your prayers this year and if you want to send him presents shoot me an email! Tucker, like all monkeyfriends, enjoys presents. Here is a photo of Tucker enjoying a common military snack, a CRE (Cat Ready to Eat).



So, how did Teague and Tucker meet? I'm glad you asked. It is a story full of destiny, romance, and of course, Kamork.
After college Teague published the critically acclaimed but commercially unsuccessful novel, "Num Num the Wonder Sloth." Teague wanted the paperback version to have a unique jacket design and asked Kamork if he knew any paperback novel jacket designers. It just so happened that Kamork had some contacts in the Army who were regular clients of Kamorkbrand. Seems the military couldn't get enough of Kamorkbrand Soft Furry Training Bullets. Tucker was working deep beneath Fort Hood in a top secret lab that made ordinary items camouflaged. Tucker had made a breakthrough with his camouflaged toilet paper, but secretly desired to camouflage paperback novels. Kamork arranged for the two to meet for dinner at his restaurant, KFC (Kamork's Fried Chicken). The two connected immediately and were married twelve hours later at Showbiz Pizza. The animatronic gorilla performed the ceremony and then Kamork blew all the complimentary wedding tokens on Ms. Pac Man.

Tucker and Kamork remain good friends, even after Kamork superglued Tucker's fingers to his head