Giant Kamork

My sister once mentioned that it would be pretty terrifying if her monkeyfriend, Kamork, was about six feet tall. She had a dream where she had answered the door and there was Giant Kamork, six foot and furry brown with a bright orange bow tie. Even though it was a scary dream, we had a good laugh about it at the time and went on with our lives. It was a dream, right? Dreams aren't supposed to be real. The police made this abundantly clear the last time I was discovered "impersonating" Richard Simmons. Restraining order or not, I know that the short curly haired man in "Sweatin' to the Oldies" is not the real Richard Simmons, I am! So I was not entirely surprised when I discovered that Giant Kamork, or GK, was not just a dream.

GK spends the majority of his time as an assassin. He has never been hired in an official capacity, he just likes to kill people. You might be saying, "Hey Ryan, that doesn't really make him an assassin!" OK, whatever. Po-tay-to, Po-tah-to.
What GK really enjoys doing is hiding under your bed or car, standing behind bedroom doors, standing in that small space between your refrigerator and wall, hoping to jump out and terrify you. He hangs around the law firm where my sister works and shamelessly begs to be made partner. He was an expert witness in "Bright Eyes vs. Dr. Zaius" and delivered powerful testimony in the seminal case "B.J. vs The Bear." The law firm is reluctant though, as it took GK six tries to pass the monkeyfriend bar exam and his law degree from Kamorkistan State is constantly being scrutinized. Despite these professional setbacks, GK did manage to make it to my mother's elementary school and spoke to the students during career day. Although assassin is way down the list of kids future career choices, my mom said that GK was a big hit. Despite his imposing frame and scary voice, those kids couldn't get enough hugs from Giant Kamork!

Here is an excerpt from GK's interview with Modern Bride magazine:

MB: Your fur is just beautiful! What kind of conditioner do you use?
GK: You know, whatever's on sale.
MB: It really makes your eyes sparkle.
GK: I'll sparkle your face with my sharp monkey claws!
MB: Um...Who is your favorite dress designer?
GK: Oh I just love Vera Wang, I mean, her gowns say to me "I'm delicate but modern!"
MB: Who designed your bow tie? It's fabulous!
GK: Actually it's part of the Ralph Lauren line "Elegant K." I find it droll but you know Ralph!
MB: OK, I've asked you the questions. Can I have my kitten back?
GK: Oh, you're no fun.

The Greatest Basketball Player on Earth

Who is the greatest basketball player of all time? Chamberlain? Russell? Jordan? Magic? Bird? Abdul-Jabbar?
Certainly all are worthy choices and there are no doubt several other names that could be added to the debate. Let me save you the trouble however, because whoever you choose is wrong. Unbeknownst to you, there is a player who stands as a giant among men. A player whose name means more to humanity than simply points and rebounds. A player so skilled and graceful that most teams forfeit in the first half rather than impede his artistry on the court. Every game is a quintuple double, every season ends in championships, every company desires his endorsement. He is no longer known by a first or last name, he shed those earthly constraints long ago. All know him as...Slam 20.



This is the only known photo of Slam 20 and it shows him dunking so hard that time itself froze and turned into a greenish ooze that begged Slam 20 for his autograph. In this photo we also see Slam 20's signature catch phrase "In Yo Face." He has ceased using any other English words and now uses this lone sentence to address mankind. One of the great mysteries of Slam 20 is that he is never seen outside a basketball arena, leading many to believe he has a secret identity. I discovered this identity back in 2001 and published my findings in the most popular basketball research journal of the day, Slamenomics. Here he is as his alter-ego, Kordell Stewart.



While the casual observer is no doubt fooled by the number 10 (instead of 20) and the use of the word "Your" instead of "Yo," it is obvious that Slam 20 planted these clues as he had grown tired of a non-dunking sport. Imagine if Slam 20 had focused solely on basketball and forsaken the call of the gridiron! He would probably have defeated George W in 2000 and moved the capital from Washington to Slamtropolis. Now we shall never know.

We shall now explore when and how to use "in Yo Face" and "Slam 20!" in everyday conversation. Both phrases should never be spoken in a drab or monotone voice, but hurled out of your mouth like a three pointer towards the basket. Let's try!

1. You have just experienced a positive experience
Correct: "Slam 20!"
Incorrect: "I am pleased by this positive experience."

2. You have won an argument, burned someone, or passed gas
Correct: "In Yo Face!" or "Slam 20!" is acceptable.
Incorrect: "In your face, In the face, Your face is ugly, Slam number 20, Slam 21, Kneel before Zod."

3. You are greeting a friend or acquaintance
Correct: "Slam 20!"
Incorrect: "Hello, Hey, What's up, How are you, Good to see you."

4. You pass a slow driver, get the last item at the supermarket, or cook pasta perfectly al dente
Correct: "In Yo Face!" or "Slam 20!" is acceptable.
Incorrect: Anything else

5. You look in the mirror
Correct: "In Yo Face!"
Incorrect: "Hey there good looking!"