Twenty-Six Days

Twenty-six days. That's how long until we go from just two humans, one cat, and several self-employed stuffed animals to an actual family. While being extremely excited, I have also been experiencing the medical condition known as "freaking out." The symptoms include: Realization that millionaire status has not yet been attained, saying colorful words as both automobiles break down simultaneously, thinking because the cat dislikes me the baby will also find me unacceptable, and explosive diarrhea. Mojo wanted to help reduce my stress and suggested we play a game of Scrabble. So much for relaxation, Mojo schooled me!



Samantha has been experiencing new and exciting changes as well. With her stomach stretched to the limit and Sheridan growing a pound a week, we can both watch as what appears to be a small roller coaster makes its runs inside her belly. I told Samantha that's what my stomach feels like all the time too, what with all the horrible gas I constantly have. She didn't think this was an appropriate analogy. I don't know, I've farted so loud in my office that other co-workers thought it was a sneeze and said "God Bless You." Oh, and another thing - when the doctor tells your wife she's dilated to one centimeter, don't tell her later at home that you have to go the bathroom because your butt is dilated to five centimeters.

Samantha has also developed a charming bedtime habit. Each night when the clock strikes 8:30, Sam transforms into The Snore Monster. The Snore Monster plays nightly and presents the following selections:

"The Snort" - This melodious offering prominently features the nostrils violently sucking in air and then silently expelling it. The combo of "I think she's stopped" and "Oh no, she's still going" is not to be missed!

"The Gurgle" - A throaty creation that causes the husband to suspect drowning.

"The Darth Vader" - With mouth agape, a sinister rhythm of breathing will have you reaching for your lightsaber all night long

"The Gear Shifter" - A careful recreation of a student driver operating a stick shift for the very first time

"The Freight Train" - The granddaddy of them all, this number inhales and exhales at full speed through both the nostrils and mouth, gaining in volume and intensity until it reaches a crescendo of epic proportions.

Since Mojo lives on our bed and knows how hard it is to sleep with the Snore Monster, he has offered to help defray some of the costs of baby supplies. He thought he could help the most if he served as Sheridan's car seat for the first two years.



He of course, is an idiot. But it's the thought that counts.